PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Saturday, February 19, 2005

SOTIA (State of the Internet Address)

b4 i begin my stayt of teh inetrnet adress, i wud jus lyk 2 tel u all dat n e 1 who tipes lyk dis is an [/moronhtmlscript] ABSOLUTE RETARD.

I bet you your life savings that it took you longer to read that last sentence than it will take you to read the rest of this article. Well, the intelligent parts, at least.

I'm back again for my yearly State of the Internet Address. Maybe because I'm so lazy, I should've typed "I M bck 4 my yrly SOTIA", just to make it harder for you to decipher just exactly what I'm trying to say. Seriously, if you're too lazy to type out the entire phrase, you're probably wasting even more time by having to figure out what the first letter of each word is.

To tell you the truth, the problem is only getting worse. My first sentence is a prime example of what is happening to the greatest communication system in the history of this earth, the internet. Chatrooms and forums these days are filled with nonsense crap that takes ten minutes to decipher a five-word sentence. I don't think it's laziness, though. In fact, I know it's not laziness because I'm always right. It's that kids are taught that you're supposed to type like that on the internet. You can thank AOL for that and their stupid internet abbreviation pages. They have an entire section dedicated to teaching young, innocent, soon to be serial killer children abbreviations.

According to AOL, HOTJFASIBRBDYMAM stands for hang on tight just for a second, I'll be right back, don't you move a muscle.

Sometimes I just want to cry at how stupid people are these days.


Oh, and if anybody here was offended by my rude remarks, IM me on MSN and I'll TTYL. K? Sry. :) :) :)


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Religion is not the Great Evil

I cannot even count how many times have I heard the phrase “Religion has caused more evil than anything in the world”. Not even the almost-defensible “More evil has been done in the name of religion” argument, but the blaming of religion itself. Much like blaming an SUV for running over a group of kids, rather than the driver that controlled (or lost control of) the SUV.

The former is patently absurd, and yet stands as axiomatic to those who spout it.

Argh! What is up with these theo-phobes? (yeah, that’s my word ) I have never seen in my life all the garbage that is spewed by anti-religion groups.
I do agree with you that violence in the name of religion is just stupid.

Okay, yeah, you have the Crusades, and you have the Inquisition, and some of the older European wars, but I have to think about the purges of Lenin and Stalin, including the starving of the Ukraine, the First World War, the Second World War, Hitler's program of genocide (based on RACE, not religion), the US Civil war, the War of 1812, and any other war that was fought by or against the US, plus a lot of other disasters before I put religion on the top of the list for causing misfortune.

So, next time you want to blame religion, be sure to check your history.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Moron Test

Here's how it works; if you have ever been remotely interested in any one of these things at the specific times, please place a checkmark by each of the items that apply and add one point to your score. Scoring system at the bottom.

1970s - Pet rocks
1970s - Bell bottoms
1970s - Rocky Horror Picture Show (if you have ever dressed as a cast member of that movie)
1980s - Hair metal bands
1980s - Dressed in "Miami Vice" fashion
1980s - If you've ever worn "leg warmers"
1990 - Fanny packs
1991 - Chia pets
1992 - Tickle Me Elmo
1993 - Ninja Turtles
1994 - Power Rangers
1995 - Beanie Babies
1996 - Doing The Macarena (why do I even bother to capitalize it)
1997 - Pokemon cards (OMG! A Japanese (adds value for some reason), holographic Charzard! OMGOMGOMG!!11)
1998 - Furbys
1999 - Magic the Gathering (they ruined the game with stupid new rules and ridiculous creatures)
2000 - Bashing George W. Bush (this one actually dragged on until 2008, and yes, I know it's only 2005)
2001 - Fingerboards
2002 - Still listening to 80's hair metal bands
2003 - Fantasy sports leagues (add one point to your score if you had done this previous to 2003 as well)
2004 - Voting or dying (I'd rather you die than vote for some random candidate, or Ralph Nader for that matter)
1998 - Present - Talking in n00b or l33t (this doesn't make you a moron, it makes you a complete and utter loser, add five points for this one)
0 A.D. - 2005 A.D. - If you've ever said "you complete me" or "show me the money"


  • 0 - You Rule! you won't let anyone tell you how to live, and go by your own rules. Of course, you are probably an ass, so you don't care what anyone thinks anyway.

  • 1 or greater: You are a moron. Don't lie, you followed the group, didn't you? I'm the only one smart enough to realize that these fads would become worthless in just a few short years.

Dammit, it's not easy being the only smart person on Earth.


Sunday, February 13, 2005

Stupidism - The New and Improved Darwinism

Stupidism, is not just a temporary thing, it's a way of life for some people. Let's take a look at a recent Stupidism casualty.

Man Said Sought Suicide Pacts for Years
“A man who used an Internet chat room to try to set up a mass suicide on Valentine's Day had been trying to persuade women for at least five years to engage in sex acts with him and then kill themselves, a sheriff said Sunday.”

The only problem here is that they found him before he could off himself. I understand that some people are so down, or in such pain that they feel like the only answer is to end it all. The thing that pisses me off about this guy is that he was trying to get others to join him at the same time. Now, if he wants to end it, fine, let him. But now he's dragged a bunch of Stupids with him. Okay, the thing that really pisses me off is that he got women with children to agree with him. If you have kids, your primary responsibility is to the children. You sir, deserve to hang.

Okay, that’s just one example, and I’m tired of this subject already.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Return of the PornBots

There I was, minding my own business. I had "Say my Name" by Destiny's Child going on the CD, and whammo, my yahoo chat box opens up. Anyway, here's what transpired.

objectivist_philosophy (5:59:33 PM): uh, yeah?
dahrkhole (5:59:40 PM): ooh your there hi...
objectivist_philosophy (5:59:53 PM): hi there, can I help you?
dahrkhole (6:00:01 PM): a/s/l (age sex llocation)?
objectivist_philosophy (6:00:12 PM): do I know you?
dahrkhole (6:00:28 PM): im 27/f/USA. was lookin qt your profile. thought you might like to chat.
objectivist_philosophy (6:00:45 PM): which profile?
dahrkhole (6:00:55 PM): so what have you bren up to objectivist_philosophy?
objectivist_philosophy (6:00:12 PM): I'm kinda sick today, but lately, I've been hunting down people that write bots for yahoo chat, and doing terrible damage to them with a waffle iron.
dahrkhole (6:01:13 PM): cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i eas getting kinda horny (*blushes)
objectivist_philosophy (6:01:14 PM): I think there's a pill for that now
dahrkhole (6:01:28 PM): feel like a little cyber fun with me ? pleasee please...
objectivist_philosophy (6:01:28 PM): I'm not really interested, but if you have any thera-flu, I'd love a cup of that
dahrkhole (6:01:49 PM): alright how bout i get down on my knees in front of you and help you out of your pants?
objectivist_philosophy (6:01:51 PM): unless there's a bottle of excederin under my desk, you should probably get up now.
dahrkhole (6:02:07 PM): tell me what you want me to do with you while i slip out of my panties
objectivist_philosophy (6:02:25 PM): can you get me some chicken soup?
dahrkhole (6:02:49 PM): wqs just browsing the yahoo profile thing. looked like you might be an interesting person to chat with.
objectivist_philosophy (6:03:16 PM): oh, I appreciate the thought, but like I said, I'm feeling under the weather
dahrkhole (6:03:37 PM): oh yeah babe.. dont stpp. while i slide my hand down between my legs and part my moist lips
objectivist_philosophy (6:03:56 PM): oh my goodness, that doesn't look like chicken soup.
dahrkhole (6:04:31 PM): oh it feels so good. Im holding your pulsing manhood in my hand, my shiny red fingernails dig gently into your balls, while my full, soft lips...
objectivist_philosophy (6:04:56 PM): yeah, yeah, that's fantastic, can I have my soup now?

End of conversation

fun_chik2001 (12:21:53 AM): ooh your there hi...
objectivist_philosophy (12:21:56 AM): hello, pornbot
fun_chik2001 (12:22:01 AM): a/s/l (age sex location)?
objectivist_philosophy (12:22:05 AM): 40/m/in your backyard watching you through the scope on my SKS.
fun_chik2001 (12:22:21 AM): im 27/f/USA. wwas lookin at your profile. thought you might like to chat.
objectivist_philosophy (12:22:28 AM): you can see me???
fun_chik2001 (12:22:35 AM): so what have you been up to objectivist_pphilosophy?
objectivist_philosophy (12:22:50 AM): well, until you interupted me, I was torturing the neighborhood kids with a barbeque fork and a taser
fun_chik2001 (12:23:01 AM): cool. i wa just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (*blushes)
objectivist_philosophy (12:23:10 AM): I think you can cure that with electro-shock therapy
fun_chik2001 (12:23:15 AM): feel like a little cyger fun with me ? please please...
objectivist_philosophy (12:23:21 AM): I can't do electro-shock from this distance, but if you wanna come over, I'll be happy to help

End of conversation

So, to make a long story short, I HATE pornbots. I freaking HATE them. Here we have the most advanced communication system in the world. A person can literally send an email to almost any other person in the developed world, and have an answer back in 2 minutes. But, of course,some retard has just got to use it to sell porn.

Let me get one thing out front here. If you are gonna write one of these stupid ass things, please... PLEASE, give it a phrase recognition engine. These bots actually said cool when I said I was torturing neighbor kids.

The thing that annoys me the most is that somewhere, someone actually buys into this stuff, otherwise, there'd be no market, and all pornbots (and their writers... well especially the writers) would die a slow and preferably painful death.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with porn. If that's what you like, feel free to use it and enjoy it as much as you want. But DAMMIT, quit interupting me with this crap when I'm trying to download "Debbie Does Dallas".

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Raising Kids for Retards

This should probably be two articles instead of one, but I’m going to put them both here anyway. Before I start though, let me put on some soothing music. Got “Eine Kleine Nachtmuzik” going now, and geez, I feel good.

I think I have made a breakthrough here. The death of the American culture is not going to be caused by Jerry, Maury, or Ricki. It’s those “Something for Dummies” books that will do it.

I was in one of the local (national chain) bookstores looking for a book to help me with some programming, and I could find not a single book to help. Well, as long as you don’t count the “Something for Dummies” series. I just cannot imagine how anyone with a sense of self-pride could possibly buy a book that calls them dummies or idiots. The success of this series proves two things. First, that many Americans have so little feeling of self-worth, that they will actually buy something marketed to idiots. (I am purposely not including cigarettes, because I am one of those idiots) And B, those same Americans want to know everything, but not put in the mental effort to really learn it.

Now, as I was walking from my gas-guzzling pickup truck to the front entrance of the store, I saw, with my good eye, and heard, with my good ear, a woman talking to her precious little child. Now, you must understand that this child was making sniffling noises, so I felt the first pangs of sympathy. I mean sympathy for the people that are the same age as this little turd-in-waiting. She was, by the look of it, ready to launch an all-out teary-eyed, screaming assault on the senses of her mother and any poor passersby.

The mother, of course, was trying to help this beautiful little child endure the grueling ordeal that is shopping. Oh, how I love mothers.

So mom tells her troll... err... child in the hushed tones of loving motherhood, that "if you are good, I'll buy you a treat. So you have to promise to be good now". So, in other words, if this little brat doesn't throw the fit that she knows (and her mom knows) she's capable of, mommy will reward her with something special. Now, all through this little girl's life, she will think that if she causes enough of a scene, she will get what she wants. Oh, how I love mothers.

This, to me, is just not acceptable. The mother should have said, in the hushed tones of loving motherhood, "If you throw a fit, or cause a single problem in this store, so help me God, you will pay dearly when we get home. You can act like a little monster here, but when we get home, you may rest assured, my dear angel, that the part of the monster in our little play will be acted out by me. Your grandparents will weep in supreme grief when they see what happens to you if you so much as blink your eyes wrong."

See, now that's an attention-getter. You can bet if the mother said something like this, and actually followed through, that child would never even consider acting the way she does in private, and in public would be so good that she would get awards for "Child of the Year" in her stupid little yuppie pre-school. Her play dates would no longer end with this little shit taking the toys of the other little kids when all I wanted to do was keep my GI-Joe with the kung fu... uh... nevermind.

So with this little monster in mind, I have decided to enter into the "Dummies Book Collective", and have written my own book. The entire book from cover to cover is 600 pages. That's just shy of the amount of pages in War and Peace. But I also have a condensed version for dealing with the smaller children, and it's only 300 pages.

I have the cover here, and I will even give you a preview chapter. Here is the “Troubleshooting Behavior” chapter:

Raising Kids for Retards------Appendix A: Troubleshooting

Symptom: Your child ignores you when you talk to him
Solution:Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”, close
it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

Symptom: Your child calls you names.
Solution:Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”, close
it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

Symptom: Your child does not come home at the predetermined curfew.
Solution:Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”,
close it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

Symptom: Your child throws a fit in a public place.
Solution:Immediately return home with the child.
Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”,
close it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

That’s the entire Troubleshooting chapter. In fact, that’s the entire book. I have one page of text, and 599 pages of blank paper. (in the case of the condensed version, it's 299 blank pages)

Parents who do not discipline their children are doing them no favors, and in fact are doing great harm. I am sure it was Chris Rock, who by the way, is just about the funniest stand up in the country right now, who said "Go home and take care of your children before they rob me in 10 years".

Now, I don’t really think that you should take a 600-page book and smack your child with it. I mean… after all, kids are tougher nowadays, so you should probably use something bigger and harder. I have found in my own experience that a two-by-four sitting in the corner of the family room works wonders. Usually, you don't even need to pick it up. Just walk over there like you're going to, and all nonsense will usually stop. Well, at least after you use it once.

Dang it, Mozart is over. Let me put in the MTV unplugged 10,000 Maniacs CD. That, somehow is more fitting with children raised without discipline.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Useless Products No Sane Person Will Ever Use

This is not a right wing rant, but since I am listening to Duality by Slipknot at the moment, I have some anger I need to release.

I've noticed that every day, I see a new infomercial advertising some useless product that I'll never use. Here's a list of some of the products that you just might, and probably do, have sitting out in your shed, including ratings out of 10.

1. The Magic Bullet™
This piece of garbage was given to me as a gift last Christmas, so instead of selling it on Ebay like I usually do when I get lousy gifts, I decided to give it a try. Seeing as how I already had a blender that was not only five times as powerful, but fives times its capacity, I had to go much smaller, so I took a thimble, filled it to the rim with ice cream and three drops of milk (from a medicine droppper I had when my kids were small enough to need one), and mixed it together. Wow. It was as easy as one... (waits ten seconds) two... (waits another ten seconds) three... (puts coffee mug on handle and goes to read a magazine) and presto! I have a milkshake in just five minutes! I hate the Magic Bullet with a passion.
Score: 0/10

2. The Q-Grill™
The Q-Grill. Wow. Where to start on this one? First off, the guy on the infomercial calls himself Chef Tony. He is NOT the real Chef Tony. The real Chef Tony would not be wearing a tank top with sandals and be carrying a measly eight pound grill. I finally changed the channel when somebody referred to the name of the product, stating that it's called the "Q-Grill" because the grill is cute! YAY!
Wimps. If you have to buy a grill that weighs less than I did at birth, then you're a wimp. No two ways about it. And how do you expect to feed an entire family out camping when you have a grill that's barely three inches in diameter? You couldn't even flip a White Castle burger on this piece of garbage.
Score: 0/10

3. The Gazelle™
This doesn't even deserve the "™" next to it. How could anyone actually use this thing and not feel like a complete idiot? It would be better suited as a kid's ride at DisneyLand™ or something. The people who have used this and have actually lost weight were probably on a diet at the time. Even then, the rate of weight loss is horrible.
Joe Gazelle User: I've lost 6 pounds in 2 years, and went from a size 16 to a size 15 1/2!
Horrible product. Plus the main guy on it makes it even more unwatchable.
Score: 0/10

4. The Foodsaver™
When will people finally understand that this is not the year 1939? Guys, we don't live in the depression anymore. You don't need to save that turkey that you ate last year and serve it to your relatives the following Thanksgiving.
According to the FoodSaver™ folks, you "Remove oxygen around food and you radically slow down spoilage and deterioration. FoodSaver™ home vacuum packaging systems offer a two-step process of removing air and sealing it out, so that your food stays fresh up to five times longer than conventional storage methods."
Here's an idea: Make some spaghetti and multiply the recipe by ten. Buy a pot big enough to hold fifteen pounds of spaghetti, boil it, and then use the FoodSaver™ to seal it and freeze it for six years. Invite your cousin over for dinner six years later and serve it to him. Now what do you say when he asks you when you cooked it?

You: Oh, this? Yeah, I cooked it six years ago.
Him: *Now with his head hovering over your toilet bowl*

I seriously doubt that this machine can save food for up to six years like advertised. Even if it can, who's going to eat a pizza that they ordered from 1998?
For those still not convinced to not buy it, click here and never return.

Disclaimer: If you are facing the Apocolypse, it may be a good idea to get some food ready, but you would do better to use the RONCO Food Dehydrator and Beef Jerky Maker™. I am not endorsing this, but I doubt if the electric company will be providing post-apocolypse power, so we go with the dehydrator, not one that can keep food for 6 years in the freezer.
Score: 0/10

5. The Ronco Solid Flavor Injector™
Well, now that I'm speaking of the great Ronco products, I have to add another one. I just didn't realize there were so many products out there that I hate. Take this one for example. I am truly trying to figure out if anyone that bought this thing has actually seen the commercial. He injects entire cloves of garlic, pimentos, and other things that are better in moderation straight into a huge piece of meat. It's like watching Barry Bonds start batting practice.
Then, he cooks the thing, and cuts it open right in front of us to show that sure enough, all those huge things he put in there didn't magically escape. Maybe I'm wrong on this, but when I cut open a roast, I want to see MEAT, not a salad hidden under the crispy exterior.
This thing is awful, and I can't imagine knowing anyone that would actually use it. In fact, if I went to a dinner party, and they were serving a beautiful pork sirlion roast with all this crap inside it, I'd probably knock over my wine glass to show my displeasure. Then, I would get up (after excusing myself, of course), pick up the supposed roast, and punt it through the largest window in the stupid host's house. Then, I'd steal the dessert tray, and go home and beat my kids.
Score: 0/10

6. The Katami Bar™
They should seriously consider changing the name of this product from the Katami Bar™ to Bent Stick™. That's the honest truth of what this thing really is. It's a bent stick that you hold on to and move around your body. A BENT STICK. And yet people still pay, "Three easy payments of only $19.95, plus three easy shipping and handling payments of an undisclosed amount." Give me a break. No, better yet, give me the stick and let me break it, and anybody else who is dumb enough to use it.
Score: -5/10 --- Yes, it's that bad.

Well... now I feel much better, thanks for listening.

*Further disclaimer: This is satire, please don't send me hate mail just because you were dumb enough to buy one of these products.

An incisive dissection of a popular Internet message board

So I’m sitting here listening to Romeo Void sing “Never Say Never”,(don’t ask why), and I’m wondering what the hell has gone wrong with our political system. Okay, it’s not really the political system that’s gone whacko, it’s the normal rules of civil discourse. I’ve never made it a habit to read blogs, but I have been a regular reader (occasional poster) on one of the major message boards on the net *cough* yahoo *cough*.

What I’ve seen and read on those things are just atrocious breaches of etiquette. Usually, the discussion starts out with a pretty tame message that goes something like this; “Am I first?” or the more enthusiastic, “YEAH!!! FIRST POST!!!” From then on, though, it gets pretty ugly.

The second message relates the fact that Al Gore invented whatever the story is about. For example, if the story is about the price of tea in china, the message will be “AL GORE INVENTED TEA”. The next message will be a blasting satire on Bush and his “cronies”. Using the same example, the message will be something to the effect of, “Halliburton owns China, all the tea is owned by the Carlyle Group, and Bush is killing all the old people in China so that his cronies can make a profit.”

I was trying to figure out exactly why these people can post the same thing over and over and never get tired. Then I noticed that this particular BBS has a feature called “recommend this post”. Wow, this might be the clue for which I was looking. Sure enough, we look through the recommended posts, and blammo, the most vile posts are the ones that are the most recommended. So these cretins that post hate, stupidity, and filth have gotten their “atta-boy” points for the day, and may now go about their business.

I would propose that anyone that uses the boards to post this kind of stupidity, but still remain hidden, should be tracked down by a special crew of spies... I think Jean Claude Van Damme has some time on his hands... Anyway, they should have their fingers cut off and stuck on itty bitty spikes in the town square so that we can all learn a valuable lesson. Well... even if we don't learn anything, it'll look pretty damn funny with all those fingers waving at us as we walk by.

The point is that just because you are anonymous, that doesn’t mean that you should act like an ass.

Oh yeah, by the way... just because I'm conservative, it doesn't make me a rich, white, homophobic, xenophobic, fat racist, any more than all liberals are socialistic, naive, whiny, puling little cybaby social elistists.

If all you can add to a discussion is namecalling, then you pretty much don't have much of an argument.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Gay Marriage - there oughta be a law

Now listening to….Negative Creep, by Nirvana, which by the way is the best band to come out of the 90’s… and probably the 80’s too. I say that because it finally killed off the last of those makeup wearing, aqua-net using, spandex abusing, so-called Hair Metal Bands. But that’s a rant for another day.

Anyway, I wish someone could actually give me a valid reason why the stay-out-of-our-business Conservatives are trying to actually add laws or even an amendment to our revered Constitution banning same-sex marriage.

As if we don’t get enough crap from the left about the PATRIOT ACT interfering with our freedoms.

This, to me, is nothing more than an equal protection issue. I remember that in some document or another, it has been stated, All men are created equal. How is it, if we are all created equal, and endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, we seek to limit the rights of one group?

Now… I could be wrong here, but I think that there is another statement in one of those same documents that states that (I'm paraphrasing here)

Amendment XIV: Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Ha! I wasn't paraphasing, that's an actual quote from the Constitution uhh… the emphasis is mine, however. From my non-legal background, the equality of the rights of marriage should fall under this clause. Oh Bah! Marriage is not a right. It's a state sanctioned ceremony that gives a lot of benefits. (and causes 94% of all divorces).

From http://www.law.cornell.edu/topics/equal_protection.html, comes this analysis of the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment:

Generally, the question of whether the equal protection clause has been violated arises when a state grants a particular class of individuals the right to engage in activity yet denies other individuals the same right

Yeah… that’s what I mean. One class (heterosexual) of people enjoys certain benefits from marriage. This includes differences in taxation, ability to be included on the spouse’s insurance, ability to become the immediate heir of assets in the case of the death of one of the spouses, and like 300,000 more. I just don’t want to name them here.*

Now, there’s another class of citizens (homosexual) to whom these benefits do not apply. How is this not a direct violation of the 14th amendment?

So, we have a law (marriage does fall under state law, so bear with me) that allows one group of people to benefit and denies another group. Hmmm…. Something doesn’t add up.

“But”, I hear you all thinking, “the majority voted, and we are in a democracy, so the majority rules”. I must say, you have a point there. Not a valid one, but a point nonetheless. There is no moral way for the majority to vote anyone’s rights away without damaging the already ailing Constitution. If majority rule was actually valid in the case of rights, we would all still be living on plantations.

Q: Why not just allow civil unions?
A: Didn't we already figure out that separate but equal is definately separate, but hardly equal?

Now, if we want to end all this darn fuss about same sex marriage, why do we not just remove all benefits from state-sanctioned marriage? That way, there's no difference in benefits for those married and those not married according to the state.

*but I will if I must