PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Useless Products No Sane Person Will Ever Use

This is not a right wing rant, but since I am listening to Duality by Slipknot at the moment, I have some anger I need to release.

I've noticed that every day, I see a new infomercial advertising some useless product that I'll never use. Here's a list of some of the products that you just might, and probably do, have sitting out in your shed, including ratings out of 10.

1. The Magic Bullet™
This piece of garbage was given to me as a gift last Christmas, so instead of selling it on Ebay like I usually do when I get lousy gifts, I decided to give it a try. Seeing as how I already had a blender that was not only five times as powerful, but fives times its capacity, I had to go much smaller, so I took a thimble, filled it to the rim with ice cream and three drops of milk (from a medicine droppper I had when my kids were small enough to need one), and mixed it together. Wow. It was as easy as one... (waits ten seconds) two... (waits another ten seconds) three... (puts coffee mug on handle and goes to read a magazine) and presto! I have a milkshake in just five minutes! I hate the Magic Bullet with a passion.
Score: 0/10

2. The Q-Grill™
The Q-Grill. Wow. Where to start on this one? First off, the guy on the infomercial calls himself Chef Tony. He is NOT the real Chef Tony. The real Chef Tony would not be wearing a tank top with sandals and be carrying a measly eight pound grill. I finally changed the channel when somebody referred to the name of the product, stating that it's called the "Q-Grill" because the grill is cute! YAY!
Wimps. If you have to buy a grill that weighs less than I did at birth, then you're a wimp. No two ways about it. And how do you expect to feed an entire family out camping when you have a grill that's barely three inches in diameter? You couldn't even flip a White Castle burger on this piece of garbage.
Score: 0/10

3. The Gazelle™
This doesn't even deserve the "™" next to it. How could anyone actually use this thing and not feel like a complete idiot? It would be better suited as a kid's ride at DisneyLand™ or something. The people who have used this and have actually lost weight were probably on a diet at the time. Even then, the rate of weight loss is horrible.
Joe Gazelle User: I've lost 6 pounds in 2 years, and went from a size 16 to a size 15 1/2!
Horrible product. Plus the main guy on it makes it even more unwatchable.
Score: 0/10

4. The Foodsaver™
When will people finally understand that this is not the year 1939? Guys, we don't live in the depression anymore. You don't need to save that turkey that you ate last year and serve it to your relatives the following Thanksgiving.
According to the FoodSaver™ folks, you "Remove oxygen around food and you radically slow down spoilage and deterioration. FoodSaver™ home vacuum packaging systems offer a two-step process of removing air and sealing it out, so that your food stays fresh up to five times longer than conventional storage methods."
Here's an idea: Make some spaghetti and multiply the recipe by ten. Buy a pot big enough to hold fifteen pounds of spaghetti, boil it, and then use the FoodSaver™ to seal it and freeze it for six years. Invite your cousin over for dinner six years later and serve it to him. Now what do you say when he asks you when you cooked it?

You: Oh, this? Yeah, I cooked it six years ago.
Him: *Now with his head hovering over your toilet bowl*

I seriously doubt that this machine can save food for up to six years like advertised. Even if it can, who's going to eat a pizza that they ordered from 1998?
For those still not convinced to not buy it, click here and never return.

Disclaimer: If you are facing the Apocolypse, it may be a good idea to get some food ready, but you would do better to use the RONCO Food Dehydrator and Beef Jerky Maker™. I am not endorsing this, but I doubt if the electric company will be providing post-apocolypse power, so we go with the dehydrator, not one that can keep food for 6 years in the freezer.
Score: 0/10

5. The Ronco Solid Flavor Injector™
Well, now that I'm speaking of the great Ronco products, I have to add another one. I just didn't realize there were so many products out there that I hate. Take this one for example. I am truly trying to figure out if anyone that bought this thing has actually seen the commercial. He injects entire cloves of garlic, pimentos, and other things that are better in moderation straight into a huge piece of meat. It's like watching Barry Bonds start batting practice.
Then, he cooks the thing, and cuts it open right in front of us to show that sure enough, all those huge things he put in there didn't magically escape. Maybe I'm wrong on this, but when I cut open a roast, I want to see MEAT, not a salad hidden under the crispy exterior.
This thing is awful, and I can't imagine knowing anyone that would actually use it. In fact, if I went to a dinner party, and they were serving a beautiful pork sirlion roast with all this crap inside it, I'd probably knock over my wine glass to show my displeasure. Then, I would get up (after excusing myself, of course), pick up the supposed roast, and punt it through the largest window in the stupid host's house. Then, I'd steal the dessert tray, and go home and beat my kids.
Score: 0/10

6. The Katami Bar™
They should seriously consider changing the name of this product from the Katami Bar™ to Bent Stick™. That's the honest truth of what this thing really is. It's a bent stick that you hold on to and move around your body. A BENT STICK. And yet people still pay, "Three easy payments of only $19.95, plus three easy shipping and handling payments of an undisclosed amount." Give me a break. No, better yet, give me the stick and let me break it, and anybody else who is dumb enough to use it.
Score: -5/10 --- Yes, it's that bad.

Well... now I feel much better, thanks for listening.

*Further disclaimer: This is satire, please don't send me hate mail just because you were dumb enough to buy one of these products.


  • Haha, ain't that the truth! I sometimes get a kick out of watching these infomercials just to laugh at the stupidity of it all. Good post!

    By Blogger yamato250, at 4:55 PM  

  • My sister thinks the Gazelle guy is hot. Ugh.

    By Blogger Bryan, at 5:16 PM  

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