PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I Wear a Ribbon Because I Care

I want to find the person that invented those stupid little ribbons. You know the ones. Not a ribbon like on a birthday present, with many loops, swirls and decorations; I mean that asinine little single loop thing at the top. Okay, I know that it’s supposed to mean something. I think it has to do with boobs, but I’m not sure.

This is the ribbon for people that care about everything

I was on my way into the local grocery store the other day to get my whiskey, cigarettes and sudafed, and as I walked by a car, I noticed a big ribbon painted on the back of the car. There was some text below the ribbon that said “I donated $10,000 to breast cancer research.” I think to myself, “Wow, this person must really care about breast cancer, because she has a HUGE 14” tall ribbon painted on the back of her car, with text that says she donated $10,000 to breast cancer research. She can’t possibly have had this painted on her car to make her look like a good, caring, thoughtful, generous person. It must be because she actually donated $10,000 to breast cancer research. She must be an awesome person to do such a generous thing.” I was sure that this painted ribbon must have been a gift to her by the grateful breast cancer research people. She is probably in line for sainthood, just in the tradition of Mother Theresa.

Well, I wanted people to know that I could care about things too. So I got a pink ribbon lapel pin the next day at the local department store. From the message on the box that had the ribbons, some kind of money would go to breast cancer research if I buy the little ribbon lapel pin. As soon as I paid for it, I put it on with pride.

As I was walking out to paint a big sign on the back of my pickup stating that “I donated $1.50 to breast cancer research”, I saw a stand covered with little ribbons… but these were not pink ribbons… they were RED. What the hell is that all about? I wondered. I go over to the display and ask. “Oh”, says the proprietor, “These are AIDS/HIV awareness ribbons”. I ask him if he has a big sign painted on the back of his car, and he looks at me like he doesn't know what I am talking about. Anyway, I buy a little red lapel pin ribbon, knowing that I can now add to the text under my sign.

In the next several days, I noticed lots of ribbons are out there… In lots of colors. I purchased one of each, and now the sign on the back of my truck has more words than War and Peace. I wanted to know how many ribbons are out there, and so I did some research… here is the list I found (from http://www.craftsnscraps.com/jewelry/ribbons.html):

  • Red: AIDS/HIV, substance abuse, MADD, DARE, epidermolysis bullosa, love, heart disease.

  • Orange: Hunger, leukemia, cultural diversity, racial tolerance, feral cats, motorcycle safety, multiple sclerosis.

  • Yellow: Support the troops, suicide prevention, adoptive parents, spina bifida, missing children, endometriosis, sarcoma, bladder cancer, liver disease or cancer, hydrocephalus, and hope in general.

  • Green: Tissue and organ donation, depression, bipolar disorder, mental health or illness, eye injuries, Tourette’s Syndrome, bone marrow transplants and donation, worker and driving safety, glaucoma, missing children, leukemia, environment, kidney cancer or disease, neural tube defects, mitochondrial disease, growth and rebuilding, cerebral palsy.

Okay, I didn’t realize the list was so long. I don’t have time to transcribe the entire list, so I’ll just give you a list of all the different ribbon colors, but not what they stand for:

Dark Blue, Purple, White, Black, Brown, Gray, Lime Green, Teal, Burgundy, Periwinkle, Pink, Pale Yellow, Peach, Light Green, Light Blue, Lavender, Pearl, Silver, Gold, Clear, Light Baby Pink and Blue, Red and White, Red and Yellow, Red White and Blue, Red and Blue with a Heart, Blue and Yellow, Purple Ribbon with Red rose, Purple and Green, Purple and Blue, Purple and Yellow, Jigsaw Puzzle Ribbon, Prism, Orchid and Orange, Lime Green and Aqua, Teal and Pink, Black and Pink, Black and Light Blue, Black and White, Black and White and Black, Gold and Black, Ivory and Burgundy and Ivory, Yellow and Lime Green and Orange and Aqua and Hot Pink, Orange and Green and Blue and Purple and Yellow.

Holy crap, that’s a lot of colors. If I get a ribbon for each of those, it’d be too heavy, and I won’t be able to walk. But if I don’t get one of each, how will anyone know that I’m a caring person? Oh the dilemma. My other concern is, what if I care about AIDS/HIV, substance abuse, MADD, DARE, epidermolysis bullosa, love, AND heart disease? Do I need to get seven red ribbons? Or does one ribbon cover all the bases for this color?

Maybe getting a ribbon to show that you care is more an exercise in trying to look good rather than do good works. I think I’ll just stick with painting all the causes I care about on my truck tailgate. Or maybe get a 50 foot tall billboard with a picture of me and all the things I care about. That seems a little more subtle.


  • It's bad enough they hand out ribbons for 17th place in the school spelling bee, but these are just retarded. The world would be a better place without ribbons.

    By Blogger Dagio, at 9:13 PM  

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