PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Raising Kids for Retards

This should probably be two articles instead of one, but I’m going to put them both here anyway. Before I start though, let me put on some soothing music. Got “Eine Kleine Nachtmuzik” going now, and geez, I feel good.

I think I have made a breakthrough here. The death of the American culture is not going to be caused by Jerry, Maury, or Ricki. It’s those “Something for Dummies” books that will do it.

I was in one of the local (national chain) bookstores looking for a book to help me with some programming, and I could find not a single book to help. Well, as long as you don’t count the “Something for Dummies” series. I just cannot imagine how anyone with a sense of self-pride could possibly buy a book that calls them dummies or idiots. The success of this series proves two things. First, that many Americans have so little feeling of self-worth, that they will actually buy something marketed to idiots. (I am purposely not including cigarettes, because I am one of those idiots) And B, those same Americans want to know everything, but not put in the mental effort to really learn it.

Now, as I was walking from my gas-guzzling pickup truck to the front entrance of the store, I saw, with my good eye, and heard, with my good ear, a woman talking to her precious little child. Now, you must understand that this child was making sniffling noises, so I felt the first pangs of sympathy. I mean sympathy for the people that are the same age as this little turd-in-waiting. She was, by the look of it, ready to launch an all-out teary-eyed, screaming assault on the senses of her mother and any poor passersby.

The mother, of course, was trying to help this beautiful little child endure the grueling ordeal that is shopping. Oh, how I love mothers.

So mom tells her troll... err... child in the hushed tones of loving motherhood, that "if you are good, I'll buy you a treat. So you have to promise to be good now". So, in other words, if this little brat doesn't throw the fit that she knows (and her mom knows) she's capable of, mommy will reward her with something special. Now, all through this little girl's life, she will think that if she causes enough of a scene, she will get what she wants. Oh, how I love mothers.

This, to me, is just not acceptable. The mother should have said, in the hushed tones of loving motherhood, "If you throw a fit, or cause a single problem in this store, so help me God, you will pay dearly when we get home. You can act like a little monster here, but when we get home, you may rest assured, my dear angel, that the part of the monster in our little play will be acted out by me. Your grandparents will weep in supreme grief when they see what happens to you if you so much as blink your eyes wrong."

See, now that's an attention-getter. You can bet if the mother said something like this, and actually followed through, that child would never even consider acting the way she does in private, and in public would be so good that she would get awards for "Child of the Year" in her stupid little yuppie pre-school. Her play dates would no longer end with this little shit taking the toys of the other little kids when all I wanted to do was keep my GI-Joe with the kung fu... uh... nevermind.

So with this little monster in mind, I have decided to enter into the "Dummies Book Collective", and have written my own book. The entire book from cover to cover is 600 pages. That's just shy of the amount of pages in War and Peace. But I also have a condensed version for dealing with the smaller children, and it's only 300 pages.

I have the cover here, and I will even give you a preview chapter. Here is the “Troubleshooting Behavior” chapter:

Raising Kids for Retards------Appendix A: Troubleshooting

Symptom: Your child ignores you when you talk to him
Solution:Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”, close
it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

Symptom: Your child calls you names.
Solution:Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”, close
it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

Symptom: Your child does not come home at the predetermined curfew.
Solution:Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”,
close it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

Symptom: Your child throws a fit in a public place.
Solution:Immediately return home with the child.
Take the book titled “Raising Kids for Retards”,
close it, and beat your kid’s ass with it.

That’s the entire Troubleshooting chapter. In fact, that’s the entire book. I have one page of text, and 599 pages of blank paper. (in the case of the condensed version, it's 299 blank pages)

Parents who do not discipline their children are doing them no favors, and in fact are doing great harm. I am sure it was Chris Rock, who by the way, is just about the funniest stand up in the country right now, who said "Go home and take care of your children before they rob me in 10 years".

Now, I don’t really think that you should take a 600-page book and smack your child with it. I mean… after all, kids are tougher nowadays, so you should probably use something bigger and harder. I have found in my own experience that a two-by-four sitting in the corner of the family room works wonders. Usually, you don't even need to pick it up. Just walk over there like you're going to, and all nonsense will usually stop. Well, at least after you use it once.

Dang it, Mozart is over. Let me put in the MTV unplugged 10,000 Maniacs CD. That, somehow is more fitting with children raised without discipline.


  • LOL, I think this has to be my favorite entry yet. I guarantee that if you publish this- people would buy it... Including me!

    By Blogger yamato250, at 4:57 PM  

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