PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Friday, November 04, 2005

More Useless Products

I doubt anybody's reading this, seeing as how the last time I made a post, The Simpsons was still funny. Holy crap, it hasn't been THAT long since my last post, has it?

Well anyway, I assume you've all seen at least some of these on infomercials. If you haven't, this post will not be funny, so I advise you to read the rest of this so I can waste your time.

Here is the countdown of the 5 worst products seen on television that Dagio hasn't personally reviewed:

Coming in at #5...

The Ron Popeil Showtime Knife Set

These aren't exactly useless, because I'm sure you can find something more interesting to do with these knives besides cutting through metal and filleting the filet. However, these are a giant rip off of my hero Chef Tony (the REAL Chef Tony) and his Miracle Blade knife set.

Let's compare these two knives:

Miracle Blade's Chop 'n Scoop



Ron Popeil's Chop 'n Serve



What a great person Ron is. Not only stealing the unique design, but also using the first two words of the knife and even using the same first freaking letter. Then he sells it for a fraction of the cost. Oh, but you get a free knife sharpener if you call now! Oh really? I thought your knives NEVER DULL, moron. Also, I was actually thinking of ordering this crappy knife set for a friend (as a practical joke), but I felt it would just be too cruel after the part where Ron said, "Call in the next 10 minutes, and I'll throw in my Solid Flavor Injector".

Coming in at #4...

The Shark Cordless Sweeper



Unfortunately for mankind, that image is not scaled down. The vacuum really is the size of 150 pixels by 150 pixels. Even worse, it does nothing. Yes, I'm not lying when I say it does absolutely nothing. If you like collecting and looking at miniature vacuum cleaners, then this thing might be for you. Otherwise, if you buy vacuum cleaners for, you know, cleaning, you might want to go with something a little more powerful.

Don't believe me when I say it does nothing? Okay, take this for example. This is straight from the infomercial. The aging bald guy takes the vacuum and turns it on. He says, "Notice how quiet it is." Great. Either really good noise reduction by the sound crew, or he simply didn't turn it on. Anyway, it does manage to pick up the MnM's that are perfectly lined up in a row on the wooden floor. Then it even does the amazing task of picking up the nuts and bolts that are all lined up in a row on the wooden floor.

"Oh crap, I dropped all of my screws on the floor! Well, since they're obviously of no use to me anymore, might as well whip out my Shark Cordless Sweeper and suck them up to throw away."

Coming in at #3...

Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer

Umm, it's a juicer. Do we really need to see people juicing oranges, apples, strawberries, carrots, cellery, olives, and lettuce for half an hour? (They juiced a lot of umm... interesting stuff)

The worst part about it was when one of the adults said how hard it was to get her kids to eat their vegetables, so she threw in some vegetables into the regular fruit juice. She said, "The kids will never know", which is another way of saying, "I'm a terrible parent, and my children will probably live off of food stamps for the rest of their lives."

Raising Kids For Retards... now THAT would be a great book.

Coming in at #2...

GT Xpress 101



This is, downright, the worst apliance ever. It's not possible to create an appliance worse than this. Just look at the size of it! Here's what happened when I tried heating up a slice of pizza on it:



The slice turned out to be wider than the machine...

Coming in at #1...

Orange Clean



This is not a joke. Because I don't trust products like these, I stole this shirt from Goodwill just to see how well it would work. I tossed in some of this Orange Clean crap as the instructions told me, and here's what happened:

Before:



After:



Bottom line: Don't trust these companies. Then again, most of you probably found out the hard way, so this entire post was a complete waste.

3 Comments:

  • writing in a politically incorrect style...how original!...are you a bill maher wanabee...probably not because you probably hate him...you are definitely somone's wannabe...but who?...I don't know i wasted my time reading this blog...i hate myself now...I need to make it up later...

    By Anonymous al, at 12:44 PM  

  • Sorry I offended your Shark Cordless vacuum cleaner. I promise not to make fun of your 40 dollar knife set, either. Now run along and make yourself some carrot and cellery juice while you're heating up a 3-inch tortilla in your GT Xpress 101.

    By Blogger Dagio, at 4:18 PM  

  • Bad-mouthing someone's writing? How orignal. I bet you are a Roger Ebert wannabe. How original to pick apart someone's stuff.

    And then you say that you don't know why you wasted your time reading this? Geez, what a complete and utter waste.

    Writing in a politically incorect manner has nothing to do with Bill Maher, and nobody claimed to have an original style of humor. But then again, Maher's style is a rip-off of George Carlin.

    In any case, there are not that many styles of humor, so pick a genre and stick with it.

    By Anonymous Al's a tard, at 5:32 PM  

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