PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Friday, November 11, 2005

A Nigerian Barrister Is Gonna Make Me Rich

I want you to be the first to hear this: I am going to be RICH!!! Yes, rich! Let me tell you how it happened.

I was checking my email this morning like I always do. I get a letter from someone who I have never heard of, but he says he got my name from some people he knows. He says in his email that he has heard that I am very discreet and trustworthy. I am reading this thinking... "yeah, I am discreet and trustworthy". This part of his letter went like this :

"It is with heartfelt hope, delightment, and desire that I write to seek your co-operation and assistance in the context stated below, I am Barrister fred majemute, the personal Attorney to the late Mr. Frank peters. I got your contact through the help of my sister-in-law that works with the American Chambers of Commerce and Tourism, although I did not disclose to her my humble intention for an honest foreigner like you, Having noted the confidence reposed on your person by the sponsor of the recommendation."

I ran this paragraph through babelfish , and when translated from weird foreign lawyer to american english it says roughly

"Someone you don't know has vouched that you are a nice, honest, trustworthy person. You should not worry that it is a person that you don't know, for your traits are well known around the world, and it is no coincidence that we decided to contact you, as we knew you would help us."

Then he goes on to say that he has like FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS in a bank in Nigeria (which I think is in central america somewhere). The problem, according to him, is that he can't get this money out of his country without a foreign partner. They must have some crazy laws down there by Peru.

Anyway, he gives me a phone number to call, and I call him. He sounds very nice, and tells me that he will give me 40% of the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS if I help him get the money out of the country. I haven't had math in a long time, but I think that's around $20,000 or so.

I opened the account, and sent him the information about it, and it seemed to go fine, but then he calls me and tells me that he needs money to bribe one of the government officials. This was surprising, as I didn't know they even had a government there. I asked him why he couldn't use part of the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS to pay off the official, and he said it was "procedure". So he tells me to put $10,000 in the account, and then he can pay this guy off. So I got the money, and put it in there, and all is well.

He tells me that the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS should be deposited in the bank next week. I hope he can get it that soon, because part of that $10,000 was my mortgage, food and bill money. I'm sure he'll get it in there soon, though.

Oh... and if this one doesn't work out, I've got another one just like it from a lawyer that wants to use me as a "proxy" (whatever that means) because an entire family with my last name was killed in a plane crash. Coincidentally, this also happened in Nigeria. That one is only like $25 million, though. The way I look at it, if I keep this up, I may be able to make a living just doing this!! How great would that be?


  • Wow, i got a simlar email, and tried talking to the dude. No luck, here was some of the volley:


    Dear Friend
    Thanks for your response to my proposal. it would be a pleasure for myself and colleagues to work with you on this project to secure and invest the funds in your country.

    I wish to assure you that the transaction is totally safe, legitimate, and was not derived from any questionable or illegal activity. The money is a legitimate (albeit discrete) accrual to myself and two colleagues here in my country and would be transferred through the normal legitimate banking channel.
    Due to the unstable political environment in Africa, we wish to have the money secured to a more stable political/economic.
    where we can invest the money and have the confidence that it would not be lost due to some civil war or political upheaval as is constant in Africa.
    Surely, I know we are taking a risk by dealing with somebody unknown to us, however, in our present situation, for the sake of keeping the transaction discrete which is important for us, we do not have any choice than to put our fate in the human trust for each other.
    Sometime in business, you cannot help but to trust and hope for positive outcome. The fund we are transferring is currently domiciled in a foreign bank account belonging to our ministry (a government account under the control of Bank of Gambia), waiting to be paid out as commission to any third party confirmed by us as the beneficiary. As soon as we commence the transaction with you, the relevant documents of title by our government showing legitimate source and origin of the funds will be obtained in your name. Obtaining these documents in your name is part of the transfer procedures.

    Your responsibility and what we require from you is to processed as the beneficary to the fund.You shall be entitled to twenty percent of the total fund transfer.I shall come and meet with you in your country for sharing and investment.We are interested in Real Estate and Properties and believe you can be of great help to us.
    You are implored to confirm your contact telephone number,mobile phone contact.Your full name for this process.
    This transaction shall be made through any of belgium,malysia or canada.You shall be required to travel to any of this locations to sign the fund transfer documents and have this fund transfer into your nominated bank account through telegraphic or draft made payable in your name
    You shall sign the draft via any of the approved accredditted commercial bank for this transfer.You should confirm to me the country you wish us to process this through.The country you can travel regards.
    It will take approximately a week to get everything completed .
    I look forward to a rewarding relationship with you, bound by friendship and mutual respect for each other's interest.
    pls remember to keep this confidential at all time
    John Brume

    Ps: Let me have your private telephone contact where I can call to put voice to our names.


    i love the post-script at the end.
    my reply:


    ah, travel is a problem for me. I live fairly close to canada, but
    don't have the means to travel there right now. i have recieved
    similar emails in the past that didn't pan out. Why should i believe
    this is legit? what is your favorite food?

    his reply

    Dear Friend
    I express surprised that after your last mail you have fail to respond to my mails
    As inform you,this transaction will be processed in your name and i shall secure the needed approvals to that effect
    I attache with this mail my international passport and approvals for your confidence.Once this is processed and you confirm reciept of this funds,i shall come and meet with you for sharing and investment
    Pls mail me whether you are capable or not to handle this project
    You can confirm your banking account were this transfer will be processed into
    I wait for your mail asap
    Thanks and pls be in contact with me at all time

    By Anonymous Jack Baxter-Williams, at 1:51 AM  

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