PIE - Politically Incorrect Editorials

Friday, January 06, 2006

I Honestly Can't Think of a Title

Why is it that while so many people hate Microsoft and their "crappy, unstable applications", many of these same people still use Microsoft's operating system, more commonly known as Windows? (sound familiar?) No point in asking, really, so I'll get to the point, or the top layer, the dirt. Mainly I'm posting this because I'm sick of seeing these crappy Macromedia Flash Windows simulations. Ha ha, I clicked on an application and an error popped up! That is so Microsoft for you!

What is that supposed to mean?

If you enjoyed any of the above "games" or movies, this blog is not for you and therefore should read the rest of this article so I can waste your time. I doubt that those even make up 20% of the Windows simulations on just Newgrounds alone. Just because of these people, I'll be making a Mac simulation. Should take me about five minutes.

Unfortunately, the reason people find these things so funny is because the majority of people don't know what they're doing when they log onto Windows, and therefore they're the ones getting these error messages when clicking on an application. A message to you, the reader: MAYBE if you'd stop using Kazaa, downloading and then running a virus-packed version of Wordperfect, you wouldn't be getting these errors. Or, if you actually READ the text in that candy bar-sized box before clicking yes, your machine might be a little more stable. My machine doesn't get weird error boxes popping up out of nowhere, am I just lucky or that good?

If you receive an error when trying to open Paint, guess what? It wasn't like that when you installed Windows, so how can it be anyone's fault but yours? Stop using Kazaa, don't go to gator.com, don't download Bonzi Buddy, and don't click to claim your free iPod.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Remember That Time Family Guy Was Funny?

Family Guy used to be a funny show. Most of the jokes were original and the flashbacks were actually funny. I say most of the jokes were original because there have been a few rip-offs. One of the rip-offs came in the fourth season (the unfunny one). It was the "1980's fixin' stuff up montage", blatantly taken from South Park's "training montage". This current season has been awful. Why?

Simple. The formula has changed since season 3. Instead of having something known as a "plot", they take up roughly 15 minutes of the 22 minute episode with flashbacks. Most people would say, "Well, that's what makes the show original". Yeah, it was an original concept when they only used it three or four times in an episode. Now you can't even follow the story because Stewie will be talking about something, then looks at the camera and says, "Oh, this is even more awkward than that time I did this awkward thing to some actor". Then after Brian responds, Peter will walk in, do something stupid and say ,"This is almost as embarrassing as that time George Bush did something really embarrassing". Ten seconds later, BAM, another flashback.

These new episodes are almost unwatchable at times. Only a few of the 40+ flashbacks in the new episodes are funny, and the ones that aren't seem to drag on and on. It's like they're trying to fit in these flashbacks because they can't think of anything else to fill up 22 minutes. Also, it seems like the animators are lazy at times. For example, a lot more scenes include two or three characters just standing there with no background movement, and all that's moving is their mouths while the other character makes a stupid face at the other one. Don't believe me? Take a look:

The worst part? All of these screenshots were taken from the same episode within a six minute span.

This article wasn't very funny. It's almost as disastrous as that time I watched Family Guy.

R.I.P. Family Guy
1999-2002

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Incredibles Wins The Hate Filled Movie of the Year Award

I finally saw that movie The Incredibles. I was so blown away by the great animation, that I almost missed the most important thing the movie was showing me.

This movie is the most racist, misogynistic and homophobic movie to come out of Disney studios since The Lion King.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out how Disney keeps getting away with all the racist garbage they put in all of their movies; particularly the cartoons, who’s intended audience is children.

A child is not going to see the metaphors in this movie that speak volumes to anyone that is aware. The problem though, is that he will not forget them, either. When the child grows up and finds that he has a certain unease about other groups of people, he won’t remember The Lion King and The Incredibles, although these are most definitely the things that are causing them.

Let us look at some examples here.

The Mother: Notice that her “superhero” name is Elastigirl. Not Elastiwoman, Elastigirl. This is one of the typical ways that a man looks down at a woman. Minimize her by calling her girl, not woman. Calling her a Woman might be a little too intimidating to the type of man that makes these subconscious statements. Enough about her name now. How about her role in the film? She gives up her life as a Super Hero to become what? She becomes a housewife. It’s pretty obvious now, isn’t it? Even when she comes to rescue Mr. Incredible, it’s only because she got him in danger in the first place when she hit the homing signal on his suit. Why did she do that? Well, she is so insecure that she assumes that he is cheating. Typical male fantasy.

The Daughter: Does she even have a nickname? Nope, she’s apparently not worthy of one. So we just call her Violet. And what is her special ability? She can become special (as in become a superhero) if she would only disappear. If I had a daughter, I would not be happy with a film telling my daughter that she is special as long as no one can see her. (Stay out of the way, please. Maybe go in the kitchen and get your husband a beer or something).

The Son: Now we can see the contrast. His name is Dashiel. Short for DASH. Meaning quick, fast, better, stronger. So the daughter hasn’t even a nickname, but the boy sure does. And who is it that keeps him from reaching his potential? Elastigirl, his mother. This is interesting here, the mother keeps the son from competing and showing his ability. In fact, in the movie, the mom tells Dash “Everyone’s special” to which Dash replies “And that means that no one is.” So in other words, if he’s not in the lead, then it’s not fair, and not right.

The Baby: Even the baby has more powers than the daughter. You can see this when Jack-Jack is kidnapped by the bad guy, and beats him senseless in mid air.

Now let’s examine the bad guy. His name is Syndrome. If you look up the word syndrome in the dictionary (or as I did on dictionary.reference.com), you will see that the definition is :

1. A group of symptoms that collectively indicate or characterize a disease, psychological disorder, or other abnormal condition.

2.
a. A complex of symptoms indicating the existence of an undesirable condition or quality.
b. A distinctive or characteristic pattern of behavior: the syndrome of conspicuous consumption in wealthy suburbs.

So what does all this mean? A distinctive or characteristic pattern of behavior. Like maybe he is gay? He exhibits a characteristic pattern of being gay? Sure, listen to the voice, and look at his actions. In the beginning of the movie, he is obviously in love with Mr. Incredible. So how do we get rid of the gay character? We have a baby beat the tar out of him. He obviously can’t fight, cause he’s got that whole sissy thing going on. Someone save us from stereotypes.

If you value diversity, multi-culturalism, or even just basic tolerance, do not ever let Disney fool you into thinking that this movie is “just good clean fun”. It’s only good clean fun if you happen to be a Straight White Male. If you don’t fit that mold (or if you fit the mold, but don’t subscribe to the same thoughts as these vicious mental thugs), please don’t see this movie.

Friday, November 11, 2005

A Nigerian Barrister Is Gonna Make Me Rich

I want you to be the first to hear this: I am going to be RICH!!! Yes, rich! Let me tell you how it happened.

I was checking my email this morning like I always do. I get a letter from someone who I have never heard of, but he says he got my name from some people he knows. He says in his email that he has heard that I am very discreet and trustworthy. I am reading this thinking... "yeah, I am discreet and trustworthy". This part of his letter went like this :

"It is with heartfelt hope, delightment, and desire that I write to seek your co-operation and assistance in the context stated below, I am Barrister fred majemute, the personal Attorney to the late Mr. Frank peters. I got your contact through the help of my sister-in-law that works with the American Chambers of Commerce and Tourism, although I did not disclose to her my humble intention for an honest foreigner like you, Having noted the confidence reposed on your person by the sponsor of the recommendation."

I ran this paragraph through babelfish , and when translated from weird foreign lawyer to american english it says roughly

"Someone you don't know has vouched that you are a nice, honest, trustworthy person. You should not worry that it is a person that you don't know, for your traits are well known around the world, and it is no coincidence that we decided to contact you, as we knew you would help us."

Then he goes on to say that he has like FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS in a bank in Nigeria (which I think is in central america somewhere). The problem, according to him, is that he can't get this money out of his country without a foreign partner. They must have some crazy laws down there by Peru.

Anyway, he gives me a phone number to call, and I call him. He sounds very nice, and tells me that he will give me 40% of the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS if I help him get the money out of the country. I haven't had math in a long time, but I think that's around $20,000 or so.

I opened the account, and sent him the information about it, and it seemed to go fine, but then he calls me and tells me that he needs money to bribe one of the government officials. This was surprising, as I didn't know they even had a government there. I asked him why he couldn't use part of the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS to pay off the official, and he said it was "procedure". So he tells me to put $10,000 in the account, and then he can pay this guy off. So I got the money, and put it in there, and all is well.

He tells me that the FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS should be deposited in the bank next week. I hope he can get it that soon, because part of that $10,000 was my mortgage, food and bill money. I'm sure he'll get it in there soon, though.

Oh... and if this one doesn't work out, I've got another one just like it from a lawyer that wants to use me as a "proxy" (whatever that means) because an entire family with my last name was killed in a plane crash. Coincidentally, this also happened in Nigeria. That one is only like $25 million, though. The way I look at it, if I keep this up, I may be able to make a living just doing this!! How great would that be?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Gullible is a 9 Letter Word

I'm sure you've all seen this somewhere on the internet before:

"The average IQ of the states that voted for Bush were significantly lower than the states that voted for Kerry."

Actually you haven't because I made that quote up. But it was the basis for the hoax. All the blue states were at the top of the graph with 110 IQ's while all the red states were at the bottom of the graph, maintaining sub-retarded IQ scores. Why, for that to be true, I guess this would also have to be true:

49 out of 50 states voted for Reagan that year. For the United States to maintain an average 100 IQ, Minnesota, the only state to vote for Mondale, would have had to been home to over two million ultra-geniuses with more than twice the IQ of Albert Einstein. Or, you could just simply not believe ridiculous graphs like the IQ hoax by using common sense.

To make matters worse, people believed this exact same hoax in 2000 (with Gore states at the top). They also believed that Bush had the lowest IQ of all presidents of the past 50 years. What kind of people believed this, you ask? Well, how about the creator of the comic Doonesbury!

Web Archive of Doonesbury

It's pretty sad when a guy who appears in the comics section AND the editorials section of Yahoo! Comics actually uses false information in his cartoon. I'm still waiting for his cartoon from Pierre Salinger's information proving that Bush blew up the Pentagon and the World Trade Center. Oh yeah, and TWA flight 800 was hit by a missile. Yeah, that's it...

I know it's a bit late to be posting this, but I'm sure some people out there still believe these things. Before believing something, do some research! (but that by no means means going out and buying worthless television products that I've told you all not to buy)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Logic Puzzles for Conspiracy Theorists

You can learn a lot about a person by seeing the way he solves problems. One of my favorite puzzles are logic problems. These are made by giving the reader certain clues, and then the reader makes logical deductions and figures out all the answers. Well, I have created a couple of them and wish to share them with you. Try the puzzles, and if you get stuck, the solutions are at the bottom.

Presidential Meetings
The president asked three cabinet members (one was named Colin) to cover up the leak of an undercover agent's name. He met them each 1 hour apart (starting at 12:00), and discussed a different problem with each of them. Using the following clues, can you decipher the time that each cabinet member met with the President and what the discussed?

1: The member that the president met at 2:00 PM was not Condie, nor the one that discussed removing the problem at the source.
2: Rumsfeld met the president at a later time than Condie, but at an earlier time than Carlos
3: At 2:00 PM, the president discussed starting a war to draw attention away from the agent, but he didn't discuss it with Carlos

Solutions:
Presidential Meetings
The answer is: None of the above
Obviously, the President is Satan in disguise. Therefore, he doesn't need to meet with anyone to complete his conquest of the earth. After he had the twin towers bombed so that he could impose martial law (you know it's about to happen), he moved with blinding speed to impose America's concept of liberty on the Middle East. The Bastard.

I Wear a Ribbon Because I Care

I want to find the person that invented those stupid little ribbons. You know the ones. Not a ribbon like on a birthday present, with many loops, swirls and decorations; I mean that asinine little single loop thing at the top. Okay, I know that it’s supposed to mean something. I think it has to do with boobs, but I’m not sure.

This is the ribbon for people that care about everything

I was on my way into the local grocery store the other day to get my whiskey, cigarettes and sudafed, and as I walked by a car, I noticed a big ribbon painted on the back of the car. There was some text below the ribbon that said “I donated $10,000 to breast cancer research.” I think to myself, “Wow, this person must really care about breast cancer, because she has a HUGE 14” tall ribbon painted on the back of her car, with text that says she donated $10,000 to breast cancer research. She can’t possibly have had this painted on her car to make her look like a good, caring, thoughtful, generous person. It must be because she actually donated $10,000 to breast cancer research. She must be an awesome person to do such a generous thing.” I was sure that this painted ribbon must have been a gift to her by the grateful breast cancer research people. She is probably in line for sainthood, just in the tradition of Mother Theresa.

Well, I wanted people to know that I could care about things too. So I got a pink ribbon lapel pin the next day at the local department store. From the message on the box that had the ribbons, some kind of money would go to breast cancer research if I buy the little ribbon lapel pin. As soon as I paid for it, I put it on with pride.

As I was walking out to paint a big sign on the back of my pickup stating that “I donated $1.50 to breast cancer research”, I saw a stand covered with little ribbons… but these were not pink ribbons… they were RED. What the hell is that all about? I wondered. I go over to the display and ask. “Oh”, says the proprietor, “These are AIDS/HIV awareness ribbons”. I ask him if he has a big sign painted on the back of his car, and he looks at me like he doesn't know what I am talking about. Anyway, I buy a little red lapel pin ribbon, knowing that I can now add to the text under my sign.

In the next several days, I noticed lots of ribbons are out there… In lots of colors. I purchased one of each, and now the sign on the back of my truck has more words than War and Peace. I wanted to know how many ribbons are out there, and so I did some research… here is the list I found (from http://www.craftsnscraps.com/jewelry/ribbons.html):

Red: AIDS/HIV, substance abuse, MADD, DARE, epidermolysis bullosa, love, heart disease.

Orange: Hunger, leukemia, cultural diversity, racial tolerance, feral cats, motorcycle safety, multiple sclerosis.

Yellow: Support the troops, suicide prevention, adoptive parents, spina bifida, missing children, endometriosis, sarcoma, bladder cancer, liver disease or cancer, hydrocephalus, and hope in general.

Green: Tissue and organ donation, depression, bipolar disorder, mental health or illness, eye injuries, Tourette’s Syndrome, bone marrow transplants and donation, worker and driving safety, glaucoma, missing children, leukemia, environment, kidney cancer or disease, neural tube defects, mitochondrial disease, growth and rebuilding, cerebral palsy.

Okay, I didn’t realize the list was so long. I don’t have time to transcribe the entire list, so I’ll just give you a list of all the different ribbon colors, but not what they stand for:

Dark Blue, Purple, White, Black, Brown, Gray, Lime Green, Teal, Burgundy, Periwinkle, Pink, Pale Yellow, Peach, Light Green, Light Blue, Lavender, Pearl, Silver, Gold, Clear, Light Baby Pink and Blue, Red and White, Red and Yellow, Red White and Blue, Red and Blue with a Heart, Blue and Yellow, Purple Ribbon with Red rose, Purple and Green, Purple and Blue, Purple and Yellow, Jigsaw Puzzle Ribbon, Prism, Orchid and Orange, Lime Green and Aqua, Teal and Pink, Black and Pink, Black and Light Blue, Black and White, Black and White and Black, Gold and Black, Ivory and Burgundy and Ivory, Yellow and Lime Green and Orange and Aqua and Hot Pink, Orange and Green and Blue and Purple and Yellow.

Holy crap, that’s a lot of colors. If I get a ribbon for each of those, it’d be too heavy, and I won’t be able to walk. But if I don’t get one of each, how will anyone know that I’m a caring person? Oh the dilemma. My other concern is, what if I care about AIDS/HIV, substance abuse, MADD, DARE, epidermolysis bullosa, love, AND heart disease? Do I need to get seven red ribbons? Or does one ribbon cover all the bases for this color?

Maybe getting a ribbon to show that you care is more an exercise in trying to look good rather than do good works. I think I’ll just stick with painting all the causes I care about on my truck tailgate. Or maybe get a 50 foot tall billboard with a picture of me and all the things I care about. That seems a little more subtle.

Friday, November 04, 2005

More Useless Products

I doubt anybody's reading this, seeing as how the last time I made a post, The Simpsons was still funny. Holy crap, it hasn't been THAT long since my last post, has it?

Well anyway, I assume you've all seen at least some of these on infomercials. If you haven't, this post will not be funny, so I advise you to read the rest of this so I can waste your time.

Here is the countdown of the 5 worst products seen on television that Dagio hasn't personally reviewed:

Coming in at #5...

The Ron Popeil Showtime Knife Set

These aren't exactly useless, because I'm sure you can find something more interesting to do with these knives besides cutting through metal and filleting the filet. However, these are a giant rip off of my hero Chef Tony (the REAL Chef Tony) and his Miracle Blade knife set.

Let's compare these two knives:

Miracle Blade's Chop 'n Scoop

Ron Popeil's Chop 'n Serve

What a great person Ron is. Not only stealing the unique design, but also using the first two words of the knife and even using the same first freaking letter. Then he sells it for a fraction of the cost. Oh, but you get a free knife sharpener if you call now! Oh really? I thought your knives NEVER DULL, moron. Also, I was actually thinking of ordering this crappy knife set for a friend (as a practical joke), but I felt it would just be too cruel after the part where Ron said, "Call in the next 10 minutes, and I'll throw in my Solid Flavor Injector".

Coming in at #4...

The Shark Cordless Sweeper

Unfortunately for mankind, that image is not scaled down. The vacuum really is the size of 150 pixels by 150 pixels. Even worse, it does nothing. Yes, I'm not lying when I say it does absolutely nothing. If you like collecting and looking at miniature vacuum cleaners, then this thing might be for you. Otherwise, if you buy vacuum cleaners for, you know, cleaning, you might want to go with something a little more powerful.

Don't believe me when I say it does nothing? Okay, take this for example. This is straight from the infomercial. The aging bald guy takes the vacuum and turns it on. He says, "Notice how quiet it is." Great. Either really good noise reduction by the sound crew, or he simply didn't turn it on. Anyway, it does manage to pick up the MnM's that are perfectly lined up in a row on the wooden floor. Then it even does the amazing task of picking up the nuts and bolts that are all lined up in a row on the wooden floor.

"Oh crap, I dropped all of my screws on the floor! Well, since they're obviously of no use to me anymore, might as well whip out my Shark Cordless Sweeper and suck them up to throw away."

Coming in at #3...

Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer

Umm, it's a juicer. Do we really need to see people juicing oranges, apples, strawberries, carrots, cellery, olives, and lettuce for half an hour? (They juiced a lot of umm... interesting stuff)

The worst part about it was when one of the adults said how hard it was to get her kids to eat their vegetables, so she threw in some vegetables into the regular fruit juice. She said, "The kids will never know", which is another way of saying, "I'm a terrible parent, and my children will probably live off of food stamps for the rest of their lives."

Raising Kids For Retards... now THAT would be a great book.

Coming in at #2...

GT Xpress 101

This is, downright, the worst apliance ever. It's not possible to create an appliance worse than this. Just look at the size of it! Here's what happened when I tried heating up a slice of pizza on it:

The slice turned out to be wider than the machine...

Coming in at #1...

Orange Clean

This is not a joke. Because I don't trust products like these, I stole this shirt from Goodwill just to see how well it would work. I tossed in some of this Orange Clean crap as the instructions told me, and here's what happened:

Before:

After:

Bottom line: Don't trust these companies. Then again, most of you probably found out the hard way, so this entire post was a complete waste.